How to make a table that pisses everyone off.

So if you have been listening to the podcast, you know that I, Kat, have been struggling to finish a project. Well, I finished it! I delivered the table to the client and they were really happy.

I am really proud of how it turned out. Kacey and I went to Finley Wildlife Refuge to take some photos of the table. They turned out so amazing. Thanks Kacey!

When I was talking to Kacey about the table, I was joking about how long it took, and someone was like, “But it’s going to be so great when it’s done!” I chimed in with, “I could teach a class on how to make a table that pisses everyone off.” I had no idea where that came from, but it felt right, and I think it is because the process of making the table has changed me in a way where I am ready to be more honest and open about who I am and my experiences with mental health. How the hell does making a table do that? I can't say, but I do find that every time I finish a big project, I am changed.

When I graduated from furniture school, I had this vision of me busy in the shop making beautiful modern furniture for people and living a simple life truly dedicated to the craft. But in all honesty, I have always struggled with commissions, I work slowly, circling back to design problems again and again, it can take me a year to complete something, but I often have many projects in different states of completion. I also have a time optimists ADHD brain, where I have no true idea how long things take and each day I wake up with the belief I can accomplish the work of 10 people. Surprised each evening that I barely scratch the surface of my to do list. When working on this commission, I woefully underbid the project, and I also overpromised when I could complete the table. Imagine me laying on the concrete floor of my shop, so overwhelmed by missing yet another deadline I had promised, and knowing I would have to update the client that I was still behind. At one point Marcía, my wife, felt so bad for me she started helping me with sanding and finishing. I think mostly just to have to stop hearing my worry and stress from the weight of not having it completed. The dirty little secret of furniture making, it often even if you bid the project well, you very often end up making dollars on the hour for your labor, just because making something custom is so time consuming and there really is no great way to predict the labor time of a custom piece especially making a design for the first time.

Being on the other side of finishing the table, I feel proud of myself for not giving up. If you have seen the Will Ferrel movie, Eurovision. I strongly identified with Lars, Will Ferrell's character after watching it recently. He has this dream to be in Eurovision his whole life, and when he finally gets there he just keeps fucking it up and failing, comically and hialriously. He has been chasing this dream his whole life and hoping for validation from the "Eurovision competition." In his mind, maybe then people will stop laughing at him and take his seriously. The part I actually identified with, is in the end of the movie, he realises he has everything he needs right there in front of him, his band mate and the love of his life and he realizes seeking the external validation has been keeping him from that true love and happiness and contentment. And maybe only epic failure can truly make you realize that you are not your failures. I saw this table as a failure for a long time, because I didn't bid it properly, and I failed to complete the table multiple times by the deadline the client and I set.

But once I did finally complete the table, I was able to see that the validation I have been so deserately seeking is never coming. I learned I will never make the "Eurovision song contest" because that was never what I was searching for in the first place. I already had what I was seeking, my wife helping me sand when I was too tired or too dissapointed in myself to keep going, my highland community asking about how the table is going, keeping me motivated to keep going, the client saying "it's ok, no rush" each time I missed my deadline, and my friends taking me to dinner the night I delivered the table. The problem with seeking external validation and the desperation of being acknowledged and recognized, like Lars in the Eurovision movie, is that you miss the support and acknowledgement you have right in front of you.

I learned a lot about myself making this table and once I finished actually gained a lot of confidence in my ability as a woodworker. The design was a huge push for my skill level, and eventually I was able to rise to the occasion. Sitting where I am now, out of the pain that I was in while I was making the table, I can see that there is something so confidence building in putting a challenge in front of yourself and rising to that challenge despite setbacks and struggles. And now I can see that much of my struggles were mental health struggles of not believing in myself or truly understanding my power. I understand now, that I had my family and my community to help bolster me when I didn't believe in myself, and now I hope I can see my own value and seek external validation less.

After finishing this table, I realized my artist statement doesn't really define me as who I am now. I can see now there has been a facade of who I wish I was, but will never be. I am ready to say goodbye to the person who has been seeking validation from the wrong sources and missing the support and love I have right in from of me, and embrace the person I truly am: flawed, failing, tired, emotional, messy, late, over committed, optimistic, and loved.

So I decided to rewrite my artist statement honestly and share it here and will add it to the website. At this moment in history, I am just not able to have fear about someone finding out who I truly am, so here it all is in the open.

Kat is a queer gender nonconforming artist who struggles with their mental health every damn day. One of their main objectives is to just continue to exist in the world so they can make weird creepy stuff and represent those of us who are too emotional, too sensitive, too weird. One of the hardest things as a working artist for Kat is to actually complete and share work. She often finds playing possum to be an acceptable solution to actually being seen. Kat has a collective with two artist friends, Kacey Montgomery and Jamey Hudnall, called the Playing Possum Collective where they share the struggles of trying to move past the desire to play dead instead of sharing their art via a podcast, blog posts, and zines.

Once Kat was diagnosed with C-PTSD in 2016, they were able to understand that much of their struggle was due to traumatic events that occurred in their life. In 1992, their brother, Brian, was in a car accident and needed to recover in various hospitals for over a year, and he continues to need lots of support due to lasting impacts of a traumatic brain injury. This event impacted everyone in the family and most especially Brian, their brother. This experience has led them to help start the Oregon Sibling Leadership Network, a group that seeks to develop and foster supportive communities for siblings of individuals with disabilities/support needs. Kat is also a SA survivor. Until very recently, they have not been open about this experience and lived in shame and isolation. Kat has decided a better way to live is to reclaim their power and understand that they are not the person who should feel shame.

Kat has found meaning and confidence in making things and honing a craft in woodworking. Being able to make things from their imagination allows them to affirm their value in a society that often believes a queer gender nonconforming person with mental health challenges has no value. Finally understanding their power, they are investing in their ideas and imagination. While they used to think it’s selfish to make art, they now understand this is the ultimate act of resistance, rooting out the white supremacy and patriarchy embedded in them from society and culture. And they understand with the current state of things, where there is pressure to be anything but your authentic self, they have no choice but to seek authenticity in their work every single day.

After finishing this table, I realized that there is a wholeness and completeness to the shape, but there is also some tension in the table design that feels open ended. I came up with the name for the table and this short poem after seeing it in its final shape.

Circular reasoning:

Going around and around and around

A circle broken in half

unable to find wholeness again

until an oval comes to unite them

you can never be the same after you have been broken

but you can heal and find a new shape